Swarthmore Phoenix, 1972-04-01 | TriCollege Libraries Digital Collections (2024)

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The Pheonix Vol. 92 No. 40 Swarthmore College, Swarthmore, Pennsylvania Saturday, April I. 197 Board of Managers Selects Presidential Troika; Team Expects to Part With Tradition, Restyle College In a surprise decision the Board of Managers has announced that it has broken with the old Swathmore tradition of having a single president and has chosen a triumvirate instead. The three are all distinguished academicians in their own right, and are well acquainted with each other through previous associations. John Tweedle, Peter Dee, and George E. Dumm 111, who are to comprise the triumvirate, each received their undergrduate degrees from the University of Alabama in Physical Education. Each became interested in hair arrangement and went on from Alabama to train in the Boston Institute of Hair Dressing. Steven Licks, chairman of the Board of Managers, explained that the letter in The Pheonix about nominating the Antioch work-study program for president got the Presidential Nominating Committee out of its "one job one man rut. We realized that perhaps more than one man would be more efficient, and some men get along together so well. We just decided that three heads are better than one." SMORGASBORD In an exclusive interview, membera of the new triumvirate emphasized that they were looking forward to changing Swathmore priorities, bringing the arts, and particularly hairdressing, to the forefront. "Hairdressing involves the head as much as any traditional discipline," Tweedle (or Mr. John, as he is known in the business) said. When asked where the woman's place at Swathmore was, Dee answered, "In the kitchen. We are also seriously rethinking the concept of coeducation, because we think contact between the sexes may be dysfunctional in a high-pressure institution like Swathmore; it releases energies which should be properly employed studying." SMORGASBORD Charles Prize, chairman of the Presidential Nominating Committee, noted that nominations for the three had arrived in the same envelope, and the nomination petition had been unsigned. "It didn't matter, though," he said, "because we were so convinced of their pivotal worth to the college at this crucial time that we overlooked some irregularities." Provost Charles C. Gimlet expressed the belief that he would be able to continue working with the new triumvirate "in a rewarding and beneficial manner for all." He added that he was beginning hairdressing lessons and hoped to be able to open new channels of communication with the presidents-elect before too long. The new triumvirate held a gettogether session with President Robert D. Crush yesterday, and talked with the Pheonix reporters when they emerged from his office. "Boy is he a drag," Dee said. "I wonder where he got that wet-head look. Besides, all he wanted to talk about was tenure, governance, the curriculum, finances, college policy, judicial processes, appointment procedures, and things like that. He didn't want to discuss any interesting things at all." SMORGASBORD Dumm echoed his concerns, and added that the three intend to "make Swathmore a fun place to be. We're going to put the place back on the map everyone will know about Swathmore. We have plans for a stately pleasure dome, free beer at meals, strippers of all kinds in Troubles on Friday nights, an end to prejudices against female impersonators on( the faculty, and weekly earthquakes for the Pomona people.""We're going to accredit Lynn Marcuss because his hair is so irresistable," Tweedle continued, "and we're going to demand that The Pheonix accept articles from Labor Committee in every issue because their writing is so forceful and masculine.'" SMORGASBORD Crush refused to comment after his meeting with the triumvirate, but it is known that he left his office early, explaining that he did not feel well. His secretary reports that he was muttering as he left, and she caught the words "know not what they do," as he left. None of the three are married and they are reported to have decided to live together in the president's house when Crush leaves for the University of Virginia. Dumm's, Dee's, and Tweedle's hair holds, yet remains lifelike, natural Parasol Patrol Detains Fiends, Acquires Dope in Campus Raid It was announced yesterday by the leans that the College Judiciary -ommittee has recommended to Presdent Crush expulsion of the seven tudents involved in last Sunday's Img raid. The CJC, in a rare Sunlay night session, took immediate ction, and questioned the students, fized on charges of possession and |se, who are temporarily being held omewhere in Parrish basement. 'rush is expected to act on their sometime this week, f next, or perhaps the next. Frank Parasol, head of College Purity, explained that this raid, N first such in three years, was recipitated by repeated complaints 'om other students in the dormitory. hese complaints allegedly came from l€ proctor and several upperclass■ who were "sick and tired of these eshmen throwing wild all-night irties, and not inviting anyone on p hall." Parasol further indicated pt although it is not usual policy I security officers to enter campus •ildings, this exception was due % to the strength of the griev- H* '*Bt toke before surprise bust ances, and would not set precedent fcr further raids. The eight pounds of seized contraband was hidden in bottles cleverly marked "Worth Health Center" and consisted, for the most part, of what was described as "mighty suspicious looking green and blue pills" and an undisclosed quantity of aspirin. Mob Occupies Admissions, Protests Dearth of Italians by Don Corleone In an audacious but little-publicized protest just before vacation, Swathmore's Italian students forcibly occupied the admissions office to demand a larger enrollment of students of Italian descent. Eight members of Swathmore Italian Student Youth (SISY), dressed in classic Mafia garb, sat in on the office for several hours to dramatize their demand for "at least 21.7 percent more Italians in next year's class" and to protest the resignation of President "Paisan" Robert Crush Led by their pistol-brandishing president ("for life") senior Cigar Fanny, the group strode into the admissions office shortly after 11 a.m. on March 13, demanding an audience with Dean of Admissions W. D. Boysenbery. Besides Fanny, the delegation consisted of senior Bob Mambo, SISY vice president; sophomore Tower Campanile; and freshmen Tony Spaghetti, John Marvy, Anita Caviar, Nona Choiriello and Andy Flatstone (honorary member). When Boysenbery arrived on the scene he was met with a bottle of Italian wine and a statement of the organization's grievances and de- Cigar Fanny and SISY occupied the admissions office and read demands. mands. Mambo delivered the speech in fluent Italian, with line-by-line translation into pidgin English by Fanny. Beginning, "Dear all-a-you people: This demonstration is brought to you by the Swathmore Italian Student Youth. . . . We gotta bone to pick with-a you," * it outlined the influence of Italians on the development of Western civilization. RAVIOLI Citing the contributions of such notables as Columbus, daVinci, Michelangelo, Dante, Boccaccio and Lasagna ("he invented spaghetti"), the statement charged that. "If it was no for the Renaissance you would all be dumb." "You got everything in you culture from Italians. So we no gonna stand for you taking things away from us no more." Noting that this year's freshma:: class has seven Italians, as comparec with four for the senior and three each for the junior and sophonx-re classes, SISY lauded Crush for bis enlightened admissions policy. "So what happens?" demandeo Mambo. "They fire President CruD- for bringing too many Italians w campus. "We know that's why he got fired And we want yvDu to know that we not gonna put up with this! We war.: you to make sure that yvu put kDtsa Italians in next year's class. "After all. we find you a cvHiniry and we give you a culture, that's the least you can do." Ad Hoc Committee Reveals New Plans: Room Choosing Race for F/eef-of-Foof Hartie Loudmouth, acting co-chairman of the Ad Hoc Committee on Room Choosing has announced a new plan for this year's room choosing. The committee, composed of the two deans, the head proctor and senior resident, one student appointed by Student Council, and seventeen members nominated by SASS, has been receiving suggestions and deliberating since the beginning of the semester.The scheme selected by the committee is a modification of one submitted by the FOUL Fair Housing League, modeled on the celebrated Oklahoma Land Rush of 1890. All students choosing rooms will line up on the lower part of Magill Walk. At the one o'clock bell chime, students will race off to occupy rooms in whatever combinations they desire. In keeping with the social ideals of Swathmore, the FOUL plan prohibits the use of motorized vehicles in the scramble. When asked to comment on the new scheme, Co-chairman Loudmouth was firm in his endorsement. "With coed housing, single sex housing, computer numbers, freshman quotas, and transfers, the old system was getting to be too much of a hassle. Everyone was complaining. Now it's up to the individual student what kind of room he gets." Student reactions, although mixed, were generally favorable. It was noted that co-ed housing would be extended de facto to all dorms since the new plan permits any combination of students in ariy room. Some protested that the violence implicit in the scheme was unsuitable at a Quaker institution. Many agreed that the land rush format would make room choosing difficult for smaller and physically weaker students. Negotiations and alliance forming, always a feature of the pre-room-choosing period, have been especially frenzied. Especially sought after as roommates this year are football players, wrestlers, crosscountry runners and field hockey players. Sprinters have been seen practicing the dash to Wharton or Worth, while distance runners have been training for the races to Mary Lyons end Woolman. One member of the Folk Dance Club, attired in a kilt, was observed polishing a highland broadaxe. "The kilt is strictly functional," he explained. "It gives me the freedom of motion I'll need for the run to a single. It will also let me plant my feet apart to get a good stance for defending my room. Another student, of slight build and unprepossessing demeanor, was throwing flic knives at a knothole in a tree thirty yards distant. "I just knew all those years of playing stretch on the lawn would pay off. Now all I need to do is knock ten seconds off my time to Palmer." Save SC Contributions are now being accepted for the "Save SC" Fund Donors of $5.00 or more will receive an autographed portrait of Mr. Cratsley. Please send pledges to Jim Sheehan through CM. Oh, Rats Victor Roland Moussa, sensitive young Indian, back by popular demand for a command performance, tonight at 10 p.m. in the rat.

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THE PHEONIX STAFF Published twice during the school year except during Christmas Vacation by a mediocre staff at Swathmore College. Subscription $lO.OO a semester. $5.00 per year through U.S. males. Entered as second-rate matter at Swathmore. Pa., under act of Sod. March 3, 1436. College Publishers Representatives: National Educational Advertising Service, Inc., 18 E. 50th Street, New York, N.Y., Chicaqo, Shanghai, Sinqapore, Irkutsk, Ulan Bator. Saturn Proxima Centauri. Printed by Swathmore Printing Co., Swathmore, Pa. Capital in Labor Editorial Ruling class institutions, reeling from the effects of capitalist collapse, form respective conceptualizations of interrelations among societal individuals. Replacement of special drawing rights as the international financial system balances only the bankrupt underpinnings of capitalist theory; a new depression waits in the wings. Bourgeois vacillations on the question of credit liquidate his significant advances on the imperialism front. Thus bourgeois economies' failure to comprehend reality cannot score brownie points over capitalism's attempts to stabilize itself be they dupes or devils. Of greatest current consequence is the "higher" standard of living which can only be seen as capital itself, and can therefore affect the species potential. This is the result of dialectical developments, and Labor Committee has been the only left-group to point out that fictitious value is free from the usual cycle of business contractions. What, then, should we make of Marxian economics' focus on the extraordinary incoherence of improvements in productivity? Perhaps there is no longer a sufficient rate of world credit expansion, but that implies that these organizations are perpetrating a conscious co-option of the colossal blunders of the lack of understanding of dialectics! The solution to this problem is clear: the paranoia carryover from the mass-strike is the task of every socialist. The end result can only be the anarchic social base for fascism or metaphysics. Up against the wall, running dogs of the capitalist warmonger infrastructure! Now is your Armageddon. August 15 shows we are infallible! Letters to the Editor Oh, No To the Editor: We re.-ign. Faithfully, Your loving staff Stabbed in tjie Back To the Editor: Several instances of substandard treatment of Pre-Med and Pre-Law students by the Administration have recently ecme to my attention. John B. Gerbil, Pre-Med advisor, has been caught substituting case histories frcm Lewisburg Penitentiary as recommendations for his hopeful premees. In addition, Dean Debbie Godsend has confessed to the murders of several Pre-Laws who were found, stabbed in the back, on a dusty shelf in her office. It is essential that the Administra. tion expand the staffs of both advisors to speed up processing in the future. Red Feebee '76 Mail it Today To the Editor: Dear Conservative Friend: I personally feel that you and I and the entire conservative and anti- Communist movement owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to the senior U.S. Senator from South Carolina— Strom Thurmond. For 17 years he has stood guard in the U.S. Senate to do all he can to protect.us from the Communists and the entire liberal establishment. However, many liberals in South Carolina and the nation feel that this is the year they are going to defeat Senator Thurmond. But some of us who recognize our debt to Senator Thurmond have vowed that we will not let him be defeated. We have formed a Friends of Senator Thurmond Committee, and we are raising money for his campaign. This Committe has just been set up and we have very little money at this time. I am writing to some of his friends who are active in the conservative and anti-Communist movement. We need their help to raise the approximately $85,000 that we need within the next few weeks. The Senator and I both are quite anxious to hear if you can join the Friends of Senator Thurmond Committee. As your contribution to the Committee, I would humbly suggest a contribution of $l5, $25, or even $5O. However, if yoji feel that you would like to contribute more than $50.00, please do so as it would be difficult for me to stress too strongly the critical need that the Strom Thurmond Committee has for contributions.If it is not too much of an impcsition, we would like for you to mail your contribution today. Paul Fannin United States Senator P.S. I will see than an autographed photo of Strom Thurmond is sent to you if you feel that you can accept our invitation to join Strom's Committee and mail your contribution today.Bio Students Growing Babies; Prof Prays for Fetal Failures by Alfalfa Wheatfield Developmental Biology students are using human material in their individual projects this month. At present two students are cloning human embryos and three other projects concerning embryonic transplants are being planned for next month. Inspired by an article in a recent New York Times Magazine, Dusty Lung, instructor of Developmental Biology, decided to attempt cloning of human embryos as lab projects. As she put it, "the field is new and exciting, and the experiments are relevant." Since the results of the experimentation (primarily on variations of intrauterine environments recreated in vitro) are unknown, various moral issues are being raised. Suppose monsters or supermen are created?created?When asked about the possible consequences, Lung replied that in the traditional of previous experimental attempts by her students, "this one will probably be another failure and the embryos will not grow." Any successfully growing embryos will probably have to be "aborted." The biology department does not have funds to buy a Saga meal plan to feed them, and Ed Mueller is not anxious to add Pabulum and Similac to the breakfast menu. Madeline Tool has volunteered her services as wet nurse for the infants. "I simply cannot see experimenting on them and then flushing them down the John," she explained. The biology curriculum study committee applauded the venture as "innovative, exciting, and truly in the tradition of experimental biology." Current Job Market Poses Problems; Counselor Offers Helpful Suggestions " Judith Krappitz, head of the Career Planning and Unemployment Sensitivity Workshop Offices at Swathmore has recently compiled a list of suggestions for students seeking permanent and summer employment in "the unusual job market that exists today." In her usual consultations with students, Krappitz asks two questions: "Who do you know?" and "Well, since you don't have any contacts, do you know how to write a resume?" More recently, Krappitz has been forced to urge students to "get out there with the M*o*X*l*E;" for she finds Swathmore students so nonviolent that they have been known to acquiesce to more aggressive PMC graduates who were looking for better places in unemployment lines. Although many people consider the job market worse than abysmal, Krappitz says that many experiences which may later prove valuable are newly available to the job hunter. Elaborating, Krappitz mentioned that some smart (Is there any other kind?) Swathmore student could follow the pattern of Don Mitchell and write a bock entitled Foot Shuffling, a tale of a summer spent looking for a job and the many types of potential employers encountered before the epic voyage ends in the Bowery. Correct mental attitude, she stressed, is the key to finding a job. "There are some students who exist from day to day with the mute realization that some day they probably will be run over by a garbage ti uck. The smart student would realize that there is a fortune to be made in reprocessed garbage." CONFLICT Continuing with her suggestions, Krappitz noted that prospective student employees should not be discouraged if they are unable to find jobs as streetcleaning, migrant farming, and door-to-door encyclopedia sales, for instance, give students impressive experience in the fields of environmental engineering, labor organizing and public relations management. This experience can be prominently mentioned in future job resumes. Students who are unable to find summer employment should seek jobs in floundering or depressed industries and seasonal labor markets. In this way, the student is bound to be laid off by the time classes start in September. Krappitz prominently mentioned the Alaskan fish canning industry for those students who want to see the world but who are unable to afford an unpaid summer in Europe. Since the Alaskan fishing season lasts longer than five weeks only in odd numbered years in which the seagulls return under a full spring moon to Our Lady of the Bering Straits, the intrepid job hunter can spend a month decapitating forty-pound tunas at three dollars an hour and then spend the rest of the summer touring the tundra. Although Krappitz admitted that travel expenses back to Westchester County could wipe out most of the summer's profits, she did note that by speaking to local women's groups on Eskimo landscaping techniques one coujd break even. For graduates who are in a position to realize more fully the unique employment opportunities which exist in this country, Krappitz commented, "Basically, you have to decide whether you want to be the person waiting in the unemployment line or the person at the head of the line saying that there aren't any jobs. BecauseBecause of new government equal opportunity rulings, female sociology majors who are members of obscure minority groups have the best chances of getting such civil service jobs. Male scions of WASP families who have majored in English and minored in Psychology are better off writing books such as Become a Mil. lionaire by Investing Your Welfare Payments in the Stock Market" VIRTUOSO For students who maintain a pessimistic attitude about employment, Krappitz surprisingly once again recommended the depressed industry sector of the economy. A dour expression presented at an aerospace industry job interview can only serve to assure the interviewer that the applicant is in fact a highly qualified rocket re-entry-solid-state-systems analyst who has been inexplicably unemployed for the last fourteen mcnths. Such a strategy might well lead to a quick referral and a job working with Philadelphia street gangs and retired Weathermen in sensitivity sessions aimed at curbing the bombing of public buildings. As for those students who try depressed labor markets and are ultimately laid off or fired, Krappitz noted brightly, "After all, you first have to lose a job to be eligible for unemployment benefits." 2 THE SWATHMORE COLLEGE PHEONIX Saturday, April I, 1972 Personal To the staff: Please come home All is forgiven. DIRECT FROM JOSEPH PAPP'S N.Y. PUBLIC THEATRE EXPLODES WITH DYNAMITE INTRODUCES A NEW AND AUTHENTIC VOICE TO OUR THEATER. IT HAS RAW BRILLIANCE, POWER AND PASSION. ALIVE, ENGAGED AND MEMORABLE." -Clive Barnes. NY Times & WQXR 'STRONG STUFF. GOOD STUFF. WORTH SEEING." WELL DONE AND Leonard Probst. WNBC-TV •EXPLODES WITH DYNAMITE. ONE OF THE MOST MOVING PIECES OF THEATER I'VE SEEN." —John SchubecK. WABC-TV 'HITS HARD AND HITS FAST. A BIG BRUTAL SPRAWLING PLAY WITH GREAT EMOTIONAL IMPACT." —David Goldman. WCBSRadio 'AN EXTRAORDINARY PLAY. DAVID RABE IS SOMEONE TO CELEBRATE, ANTICIPATE AND WELCOME." —Martin Gottfried. WWD ONE OF THE BEST PRODUCTIONS OF THE NEW YORK SEASON. THE FIRST PLAY TO DEAL SUCCESSFULLY WITH THE VIETNAM WAR." 'AN EXTRAORDINARY, PERCEPTIVE, GRIPPING AND COMPELLING PRODUCTION." —Sege. Variety 'DYNAMIC, PENETRATING AND COGENT. NOT TO BE MISSED." —Jack Kroll. Newsweek "DOES THE THEATER PROUD. THE BEST PLAY ABOUT THE WAR SO FAR. EXEMPLARY DIRECTION AND PERFORMING." —John Simon. New York Cue ***"* 2 OBIE AWARDS M DAV D RABE JEFF BLECKNER 2 Week* Only! APRIL 4-16 Tue*., thru Thurs., 8 PM $6.50. 5.50, 4.50, 3.50 Thurs. & Sat., 2 PM —Sun., 3 PM $6.50. 5.50, 4.50. 3.50 Fri. & Sat., 8 PM $7.50, 6.50, 5.50. 4.00 NEW LOCUST THEATRE BROAD & LOCUST STS., PHILA. • PE 5-5074 PRESENT AT BOX OFFICE STUDENT DISCOUNT! THIS COUPON WORTH *2.00 per ticket THE tMSK TRAINING OF MVU) HUMMEL Good for regular $4.50, 5.50, 6.50, 7.50 tickets for any performance Good for 2 r— Do Not Write Here School. DISCOUNT TICKETS ALSO AVAILABLE AT STUDENT LOUNGES, LIBRARY. ENGLISH * DRAMA DEPTS. ,

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College Steals Frank's Design Lloyd Annoyed at Swathmore Architect Lloyd Frank, of Smallurn, Missouri, has delivered notifition of intent to sue Swathmore liege for allegedly copying one of s designs. On a recent visit to the illege, Frank noticed a great simrity between the facade of Hall in and a police station he had de;ned for his hometown in 1938. Don further research, having conided the design for the College ilding had been copied brick for ick from his own, Frank commenced igation for $4,700,00.83 to cover idical damages. President Crush has issued a stateint denying the charge, asserting at the building plan was first ed by L. B. Peep, architect for rathmore College and certainly unle. "Any resemblance to buildings ing or dead is merely fortuitous," ush quipped. In rare humor, Crush continued, "Besides, who ever heard of a police station with a pool and locker-rooms?" Frank feels the design is undeniably unique, since it was, in his own words, "a conception of genius, the nation's first combined recreation center and police station." He claims $lO,OOO for damage to his "professional pride" caused by the College's non-recognition of this dual design in using the building solely as an athletic facility. The remainder of the four million claimed is mostly Expenses for the treatment Frank needed after the shock of his discovery.Several student groups have suggested the matter could be settled quietly out of court by the simple expedient of tearing down the Hall Gym. Crush refused to comment on this possibility. • dice Station in Smalltown which bears resemblance to Swathmore's Hall Gym Crum Site for New Music Arts Center Reveals Important Archaeological Finds by Stoney Lonesome 'reliminary ground breaking for i new music building last week realed that Swathmore College is Dbably built over the state's largest lient -burial mound. Carbon dating potshards and tools unearthed in preliminary excavation estimate ir age at 5000 years old. 'lans to complete the new music iter in five years are now being indoned, much to the dismay of sic department spokesman Pierre schwungen. 'Although I admit the scientfic erest in a carefully conducted ex'ation," Geschwungen explained, iere are twenty-five Honda upht pianos on order for 1976. With-1 the new building, there will be place to store them." The archaeological value of the site s discovered when a curious poty bowl was uncovered about three it under the surface during the tial drilling. Kate Schneider of i studio arts department immedely recognized the work as an ty "attempt to glaze pottery uswica schist and good old Crum d." Hher items quickly discovered were a boarbristle toothbrush, golden statues of giant cockroach gods, and a coin dated YXIIZ. Three skeletons were also unburied. Hormone Meinkampf, professor of vertebrate anatomy at the College, examined the bones of the two adults and six year old child the next day. In his opinion, they had been underground "a very long time." Fifteen prominent archaelogists from nearby institutions are now in the process of digging up the basement of the music center with Saga teaspoons. JELLYSTONE LOCAL? Because of the uniqueness of the mound, Smithsonian experts have suggested strongly to the governor of Pennsylvania that the land be made into a state park. Director Gerald Oops, of the Scott Foundation, is against the usurption of the property rights. "We of the Scott Foundation put a lot of hard work and money into the flowers and trees on the campus I'd .hate to see it all ruined by hordes of tourists trampling through." President Crush is pleased with the present operations. When asked about the fate of the music arts center, he replied, "Some things simply must not block the way of science. When the new pianos arrive, we'll just have to drain the swimming pool." PIERRE GESCHWUNGEN Reporter Explores Philadelphia Sewers, Discovers Color, Excitement, Suspense "I wouldn't trade this job for any other one in the world," stated John "Running John" Turdlet, as I started my long climb back to the surface. "It has everything color, excitement, suspense. Without a college education, I get to be my own boss performing one of the most vital jobs of any in the city." ■ Color was indeed the word. I felt that, in one night, I had seen more of the real world than in 14 years of formal education. It was a world I had hardly known the existence of. I had been having second thoughts about my evening with Turdlet and his charming co-worker, Magna "Mag. gie" Cloaca, on the long ride from Swathmore. Would I be tough enough to take it? (though endowed with a tough digestive system, the doublebarrelled blows of Seder wine and Social Committee beer had left it slightly the worse for wear.) How would they react to taking along a lcng-haired college kid? MR. PRYOR My fears and doubts were not assuaged by the initial impression of the Authority building, standing on the shores of the mighty Schuykill where it meets the Delaware. I had heard that the Philadelphia people faced the toughest job of any operation on the East Coast, and these workers certainly looked equal to the challenge big and broad. The dirt and grime of honest labor covered them from head to foot, including the hands that I shook Turdlet and Cloaca were both warm and friendly, typical residents of the city of Brotherly Love. Since Turdlet is a Sherpa, and Ms. Cloaca is a Hottentot, it was easy to see that the Authority had gone out its way to find ordinary, everyday employees.employees.As we descended into the depths, I asked Turdlet about his job. What spiritual satisfaction did he get from it? "We see ourselves as a sort of Nupercainal for the city's bowels," he stated. "In this day and age, when we can discuss these problems openly and frankly, I'm glad to say that we have provided quick relief in most cases." He described his major problems as "piles and itching." Our trip through the subterranean world produced some surprises. In one partially-abandoned pipe sat a rather contented-looking alligator, over a thousand miles from his natural habitat. I asked Turdlet what the score was. SUBSCRIBES TO "It's a really peculiar situation. You may have noticed that the climate down here resembles a tropical jungle very warm and very moist. These alligators are hatched in Florida Indian Villages and sold as babies by unscrupulous Semihole Indians to tourist children while their parents are diverted by genuine souvenirs.souvenirs. The kids hide them until they return home. Upon discovery, many parents flush the baby gators down their toilets." "I suppose they expect that will be the end of them, but the gators do better down here than they do at home great meals and no enemies." SOLIDARITY Both workers were really down on disposalls and laxatives. "Those two parts of modern civilisation are responsible for half our jams," complained Turdlet. "It gets so we can plot the sales curve for Phillips Milk of Magnesia." Efficiency and cost-benefit analysis have even destroyed the romance of this last preserve of revolutionaries. There is no way to go underground as easily as the Paris rebels. The hard work and enthusiasm which Turdlet and Cloaca invested in their jobs really impressed me. As I departed, they invited me for a return visit in the near future. "It gets more interesting as the weather gets warmer," said Turdlet. I assured that I would hurry back. ■iturday. April I, 1972 THE SWATHMORE COLLEGE PHEONIX 3 WE WANT EVERY GIRL TO HAVE A CHANCE TO BE PREGNANT shame in not wanting to bear • Confidential Referral and Counseling " i,d- 0n,V vou know how unbearable . one inexpensive fee covers all out- Ai rl!!Wantec) pr#flnancV c*l be. - We patient clinical charges DSOknow and understand; that's why . overnight stay not required up to 12 11 Aaairtanoe was formed. weeks of pregnancy Medical Assistance is a Na- • 18 years and over - no parental cont'oo*' non-profit organization assisting 8601 "Quired *orn#fl in regaining a healthy, balanced • State residency not required of life. |f interested, call us collect • Travel arrangements made _ You "** surprised how our people • Assistance provided in psychological 7* «nd how easy they meke it for you I end medical areas including abortion, Ds no need to chence a dangerous. birth control, adoption and deliveries J'*®*' "bortion ... Call Women's Medi- •We want to help you only YOU lose distance... Toll Free ... NOW ... by not calling today Pa. (215) 879-5801 Pregnancy Testing Abortion Information C-00 -r W Avne.nc.ix % - C-v-o. o~VV Crt4^ CXw Jl I t3 SuouA Dr a . Are you the person you want to be? If not, why not try A. A. Fleesyu £r Son, plastic surgeons? We do the best nose jobs, hair transplants, ear flattening, breast uplifts, and other standard cosmetic operations in all of Philaphia. Want to be someone else? Call us at EV 7-9073 for an appointment. DON'T BE SATISFIED WITH THE BARE MINIMUM! i I ¥ t Let the student travel service make deluxe travel arrangements for you over vacations and exam periods. Plane, bus, train reservations made on three day notice, and hitching partners can be arranged as well. Don't be caught with your pants down! Contact the travel service now.

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Sports Shorts Swathmore College was forced to forfeit all of its basketball games when it was discovered that all-star guard Rick ("Mash") Myself me had signed a professional contract with the Miami Floridians of the American Basketball Association at the beginning of the season. Fortunately, the forfeitures did not change the team's record to any great extent. Myselfme disclosed that his contract calls for $29.95 spread over fifteen years plus certain incentive clauses for not making the team. ' * * * Athletic Director Wallis J. Stepson has come up with a revolutionary new proposal to alter the existing college calendar. Previously, athletic scheduling had been a hindrance to calendar reform. Stepson suggested that the College simply move Christmas forward to January 10 and New Year's Day to January 17. In this way it can still start the year in late September and end the semester before Christmas vacation. Most faculty members feel that the proposal fits in perfectly with the Swathmore tradition of disregarding religious holidays, such as consistently starting classes on Yom Kippur. "If they can ignore the Yom we can ignore the Chris and the New," commented a jubilant Stepson. •■■♦•• Lance Rentzel has been hired as a new assistant football coach at Swathmore College in an effort to revitalize the Garnet's gridiron program.Rentzel, an All-Pro flanker who gained much publicity by marrying Joey Heatherton and then being arrested for indecent exposure, will work with the Swathmore backfield. Rentzel seems very enthusiastic about his new job. "I hope I can stick it out at Swathmore," he commented. Hoping to capitalize on Rentzel's experience, Wallis J. Stepson immediately scheduled two more exhibition games for the football team. * * * Roger Bannister, man ever to break the four-minute mile barrier, was recently interviewed by this reporter. When asked what was the low point of his career, Bannister remarked that it occurred in 1953 when Wallis J. Stepson mistook him for a townie and kicked him out of the Swathmore field house. Footballers Not in Shape, Run Plays Only Half-fast by Guido Goldstein In an unprecedented move, the Swathmore football team began spring drills last Wednesday. Coaches Lew Elversdaughter and Ernie "When I was back at Penn" Prudence welcomed the team back halfheartedly. Following the recitation of the Lord's Prayer, co-captain Jeff "We're going to build to seriousness" Obscene led the team for two tokes around the practice field. After calisthenics, the players took turns using the resuscitator and then broke up for individual drills, true to the Swathmore tradition. Coach Prudence took the linemen to the blocking sled and put them through a rigorous half-hour of anecdotes, stories, and recollections. Coach Elversdaughter taught the backs how to react to the crowd after successfully executing a fumble or throwing an interception. After the demanding drills, the team held a short scrimmage for all players 5'9" or shorter. The tall players formed pick-up teams and kibbitzed. When Coach Elversdaughter was asked how the team looked after the first session, he replied with a twinkle in his eye and a finger aside his nose, "We were lousy last season and everybody is back." Coaches Confer on Clinic; A-Board Has its Monthly Last Tuesday the Swathmore Athletic Board held its monthly meeting. Athletic Field Marshall Wallis J. Stepson welcomed all the coaches and anyone else who had permission to., use the fieldhouse. The first order of business was the usual coffee and donuts, übiquitous in fieldhouse koffee klrtches. The next item on the agenda was the announcement of a Swathmore Coaches Clinic to be held next month. Herr Stepson revealed that the first session of the clinic will be conducted by Coach Homer Daisies. The topic will be "How to Schedule an Undefeated Season." One of two afternoon sessions will be led by Coach Lew Elversdaughter. The topic will be "Winning Isn't the Only Thing." The final session of the clinic will be directed by Coach Pete "Eleanor" Yess and will be entitled: "How to Get More Out of a Shoestring Budget, Literally." The next order of business was budget. Coach Prudence requested new whalebone lever for the college's Ty Cobb "Sidewinder" Model pitching machine. Equipment manager Dick "Do you have insurance?" Vesper requested three dozen Playtex Cross-Your-Legs jockstraps. At this point Coach Yess offered to relinquish to Vesper the jockstrap allocated to the women's department. 4 THE SWATHMORE COLLEGE PHEONIX Saturday, April I, |i Dave Wiggins to leap from Clothier Tower. Athiest Information Center supplies free listings s" f inexpensive books, periodicals, reprints, organizations, luminaries past and present, exounding the scientific-rationalist viewpoint. Just leave your name and address in our tape recorder at 324-7475, Philadelphia. This Is For Real All students, wishing to participate in room cjioosing must deposit $250 in the Business Office by April 1. THREE SUMMER CAMPS IN POCONO MTS. OF PENNA. SEEKING SPECIALTY STAFF: Head Waterfront (M or F); Motor Boat Driver (M); Scouting & Hiking (M or F); Tripping Leader (M); Head Tennis (M); Head Drama (F); Archery (M & F); Head Arts & Crafts (M); Athletic Director (M or F); Waterfront (M, W.S.). We offer good food clean air nice people top salary. 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